It has been over a year since my last post. That’s awfully odd to say to be honest. Time has funny ways of dancing around one another. 

Just looking back at the words that I once wrote seem so distant to me. It is almost like knowing my past life, and saddening once you realize that it is not. 

I really do wish you were still around to have someone to talk to. Once it gets too quiet, then one will truly lose their mind. Trust me. 

I go to Mississippi in a week. To see a psychologist. I honestly don’t know what to say or how to act, but it’s a step. 

I wonder if you will reply to that text. 

I doubt you will see this.

Isn’t it funny how a year can be

12:09am.

Lauren,

It has been a while since I have posted in this blog. 

A lot is going on in my life.

I am not sure what to think about it all. 

I know of one thing.

I hate how you’re missing it all.

We are doing the stranger thing again. Why?

Why was I so stupid?

I now live probably one of the most reclusive lifestyles known to mankind. The only person who is more reclusive than I, is the man who is lost in a cave and will NEVER find his way out. Poor fellow.

I miss night Skyping with you. I miss laughing and not faking it.

What has happened to us?

I look back at the older posts and emotions fill me. Emotions that I miss. I miss you.

I am still planning to come there despite how every inch of your body has filled with doubt. I can’t blame you.

I wish you could be here for a week. You would love the smell of honeysuckles in the air.

I wish you could be here today. At midnight tonight, the Eta Aquarids will find our lovely planet. It will create a lovely meteor shower. What a perfect night to lay under the stars and finally do everything we dreamt of. Oh, and the full moon will be the brightest and closest the moon will be all year. What a perfect night. What a perfect night to yet once again spend alone.

I hope you read this.

I am debating whether to tell you or to see if you discover it on your own.

I haven’t given up hope.

I never will.

The surface is not as it seems.

Always remember that.

I love you.

Always remember that.

Oh, and drink a glass of water so you don’t get sick.

Summer is here.
Let’s embrace it. Together.  

9:13pm

Lauren,

You’re always too busy. Too busy to even say goodbye. That sucks just waiting for you to come back and all that happens is that you log off. 

7:21pm

Lauren, 

I cannot begin to put down the words to express how much I miss you. This is just proof of how I couldn’t ever disappear on you again. I couldn’t do that. With all this being said, I will have my cell phone tomorrow. I was cheating hard when I went to the verizon store today. I somehow managed to score overnight shipping for free. They couldn’t find out what was wrong with the phone even though it was wet. I guess people overlook the basics when they have bad headaches. I don’t blame them.

Today was like any other day. 

I started working out again. This time, I will be drinking protein drinks. NO WORRIES. I am not on the road to becoming a body builder. I am on the road to where I want to feel comfortable with my body again. I will be spending a lot of my time at the gym.

I managed to find a “Graham Cracker” flavored protein drink that is beyond amazing. It’s going to be a new addiction. 

I just got back from the grocery store. I went out and bought a loaf of 100% wheat bread, smoked turkey, mustard, and a bottle for working out. 

I want to look my best when I come and see you.

I want to look even better when you come and see me in Georgia. “Being all southern and such.”

I have some good news! I received the last phone call I needed to get out of the Army. My Phase 2 physical is on Monday. On Tuesday, I will clear post. Then, I have to wait for a bit for me to clear from my unit. I have no long how the last part will be, but I am one step closer. 

Please come home. 

I want to Skype with you.

I miss you terribly. 

I love you. 

I always will.

Never forget that. 

9:25pm

Lauren,

Tonight is one of those nights where I am just annoyed with the world. I guess my iPhone allowed for me to be in a world with just you. Now I see what is around me. I dislike everything around here. 

8:22pm

Lauren,

I am currently watching commercials with the Super Bowl and just doing absolutely nothing. David is drinking and the thought of alcohol makes me beyond sick. He is trying to pressure me into drinking, but the smell alone is enough to make me go running to the bathroom. I guess I am becoming agitated with him now. He never takes out the trash, and he just keeps it sitting there for me to take out while he is playing his games. Fuck it. I am cleaning tonight. I need to take my stress out on something anyways. I’m also talking to Kevin and we are just talking about life. It feels nice. At the same time I feel like an alien. I will feel like an alien in my own hometown. 

I hate not having my cell phone. I miss you. I am constantly feeling alone and empty. It sucks. 

I love you.

I just miss you a lot. badly… 

1:37pm

Lauren,

I just had a very long and odd dream. You were in it, but not as you normally would be. It was set in a very sandy war torn area. I was doing my thing and battling and shooting whatever wasn’t friendly. All of a sudden it was over. They brought a cruise ship by to take us back home. While I was waiting, I began talking to a few Navy guys. This one guy just struck me as interesting. He could cheat. As we stopped sitting on the top of the ship, we walked away, and I remember asking him,”Hey, are you an officer?!” and he replied with a laugh saying,”Why yes I am”. I saluted him and we both went our ways. I told him that I would see him again, but we both know that’s a lie. 

The war portion of the dream is now over.

I began walking into the cruise ship and Kevin is there. We were looking at a Starwars/Gundam kiosk. He told me about some party that is going on in the ship tonight that will be awesome. I told him I would go.

Like any other dream, we were automatically at the party. 

I was sitting down and just casually sipping on a clear drink. That was all the dream until I saw you. I didn’t know you in the dream which was odd. You gave me a quick look, and I knew that I had to say something. You came over and asked if the seat next to me was occupied, and I said no. You sat in my lap instead. 

We went back to your room.

I woke up. 

10:53pm

Lauren, 

I cannot wait either. Our relationship is built upon pure personality. That is not the “norm” in today’s society. I am not complaining, but I cannot wait to show you how much I love you in person.

I keep thinking about just taking that jacket off of you while kissing you. Fuck that, I am drunk so I will just say making out with you. That’s better and more accurate. 

I want to feel your skin. 

I want to kiss your skin.

I want to kiss your lips. I have been staring at them all night.

They are beyond tempting. 

Oh what you do to me.
Oh how I love you.  

12:50am

Lauren,

It’s right now 10:50pm where you’re at and you still have a little over an hour to go till you’re out of class. I won’t lie, I miss the living hell out of you, but then again, I am beyond proud of you for working so damn hard with school. It proves to me that you are more responsible than 99% of people your age.  We never have conversations on age, because we don’t act like our age. I love that. 

I am right now sipping on some lemon-lime gatorade (Nothing can beat the original) and eating a sub that I made. Honey ham and swiss cheese with dark mustard and mayo. It’s a good night.

The weather outside is like a fresh spring night. It’s beginning to rain with a warm and cold breeze circling in the courtyard outside. It makes me wonder if there will be a tornado, but then again I’m not that lucky. Lightening is striking randomly and it makes me smile knowing that this winter is nearly over. The wind is blowing hard into our room and it’s making noises that are only  heard in hell. I love how wind understands me. Misunderstood and so much is never seen. 

Winter is dying and the new year is truly about to begin. A year where I will spend the seasons with my new and last girlfriend. 

I can’t wait to experience everything with you. I can’t begin to tell you how much I want to experience with you. Just the thought of laying in bed and watching TV excites me. Hell, even going to the grocery store to do grocery shopping sounds amazing. I just now thought about us being in Georgia. When a large thunderstorm rolls through, my Dad and I usually sit out on the porch and watch it. Nothing being said. Just the sound of nature pouring down on us. It cleans us in some way. My Dad and I are very earthy people. I can’t wait till it’s you and me on my porch. Quiet. Just listening to mother nature vent about summer time weather. The sound of trees finally giving up after so many years of bearing rough Georgia summers. The debris of leaves dancing against their will. The smell of the rain as the sun starts poking it’s head up to see if it’s all over. 

I can’t wait to experience life with you. That’s the best way that I can put how I feel into words. 

It’s now Friday where I am. Thank the Gods.

You need a break more than I do. It’s going to be a rough few weeks, but you will make it, and I know you can. We both know that. 

I’m happy.

I’m still falling hard.

I love you.

I am in love with you.

Please call me/Text me/Skype me when you read this. 

I miss my girlfriend.

11:40pm Lauren, It has honestly been too long for my liking that I have posted in this blog. Way too long… I was literally beginning to go crazy with work being unable to write what I want to say. Text messaging can only do so much. The difference between writing in this blog and writing a text is like watching a preview for a movie and watching the actual movie. It may not be true, but it’s how I feel. So where do I begin? Work has been hectic lately. It feels so damn nice having 2 days off in a row. I will have a 3 day weekend this weekend thanks to the Super Bowl. Hah, I am not a big NFL fan, but I will watch it for the commercials. Enough about work. Something I have been wanting to say for a while now to you is finally about to be said. You’re honestly what I look forward to at the end of the day. My day can be complete shit, but as soon as I see you, I forget about how shitty my day was and all I care about is the night. You have no idea how nice it is to finally have someone that makes me feel good. You honestly don’t know how hard it is to find someone who can make me forget all the stress that I have had. You’re the first. Sorry for how odd I have been acting lately. I can tell that I have been acting weird. I am supposed to be nocturnal. It’s part of me. When I start becoming normal, I start becoming quite odd. My body starts giving me signals to make me become nocturnal again. I can’t wait to see you on Skype. It has been too long. We have cut our time so much compared to the past. Then again, you have taken on a lot of classes so it’s completely understandable. You have a lot on your plate so I won’t fuck that up. Now to more recent things that have been on my mind. I don’t know why, but I just have a bad feeling about Eric. Yeah, he’s a good guy and all, but hey, it’s a boyfriend feeling. You used to hook up with him and whatnot, and now he’s in your French class and now a study partner. It made me sad when you stopped talking for so long tonight only to find out that you have been with him. Yeah, I still believe you, it’s just that I don’t trust him, and I never will. It will be even more difficult to believe him once I am there in person because people wear masks. I can see through them and see feelings. I can see secrets. Hence why I don’t have many true friends. You will never know how much hatred I built up for the guys that were just “hookups”. I remember just sitting in front of my mac and just shaking out of hatred for them. My hate is strong for some people. People say forgive but don’t forget. I have a hard time forgetting and an even more hard time forgiving. I guess it’s because I have never had the same mentality as most guys, but I won’t ever forgive them. I know you will be upset reading what I just wrote, and I am sorry for that. All I can say is I love you and try to picture yourself in my shoes. I know what I just wrote isn’t what you wanted to read, but I will never lie to you. Never. I’m going to post this and hopefully Skype you. I don’t have much tequila left, but I am going to finish it all off tonight. I love you. Never forget that.